My mother, God (or the one down there) rest her soul… was considered an innovator, a creative influencer, a woman of great inner strength, beauty, intelligence, poise, and grace. A figure to be revered, admired, and worshiped. A legend in her own mind.

In my mind, I called her something else. My Mother Superior rose above the masses, decreeing upon the land of York (where I was raised) that all religious wisdom in her Queendom shall be imparted upon her mere mortal offspring—allowing me to choose my path to righteousness.

Let it be written in stone  she bestowed upon me the divine grace to chose my own final countdown –another noble sounding chapter in her ever –expanding manifesto meant to prove her  magnanimity, selflessness, and sacrifice. Fearing the wrath of the Bible Belt, I nodded along and agreed to the myth. God’s honest truth? I had no say in any of it.

In reality, Mommy Magdalene managed to piss off every single church lady of all 23 denominations in the tri-state area. I went from being a Baptist to a Zionist in the span of six months. Undeterred, she talked my way into a Jewish summer camp located high up in the Colorado Rockies. I was the only gentile in the entire program. Talk about parting the Red Seas.

Eventually freed from religious persecution, I found myself on the road to perdition.. With no guidance (as if it would have mattered) I took a wrong turn and landed in enlightenment.. to the following..

However you refer to your higher power—God, Universe, Messiah, Allah, Jehovah, Lord, et al—the universal theme delivered through a priest, pastor, minister, clergyman, bishop, reverend, et al is:

Be kind. Be good. Treat everyone as you would like to be treated.

Unless, of course, your religion disagrees with my religion. In that case, GOD gave us permission to blow the living smithereens out of you.

AMEN.

This scared me straight… away from any religious associations. I remain a free agent. Keeps me in the game without commitment, freeing me from defending any religious factions. If the subject arises, I declare Spiritual. This religiously diffuses any further faith-based discussions. Kind of like voting Independent.

What a creative denomination Spirituals are. We have the Crystal sect, an Astrological congregation, the Eastern Orthodox Psychics, we even have a cult faction of Captain Kirk’s reincarnate hopefuls. Agnostic, atheist, and yoga teacher’s requests for spiritual status are currently under review.

Seven months ago I happened upon a podcast hosted by Sam Harris. He’s an author, philosopher, neuroscientist, and podcast host. His views and ideas made sense to me. Aptly enough, the podcast is called Making Sense. That week I spent with the psychic branch really paid off. And to think I was skeptical…

I used to equate meditation with incense burning, speaking in tongue, and an occasional raising of the dead. More suited for the far-left spiritual extremists. Today, meditation has been demystified—becoming more mainstream. It’s training your mind to shut up. Cleaning out years of gunk built up over the years. Understanding that we don’t have to listen to our thoughts. Keeping my mind still so I can hear the real me. Most important, to live in the moment.

I’m a work in progress for sure, but I’ve seen the value in meditation. Then it hit me. I’m in Thailand. I’d just seen White Lotus. Isn’t this the Mecca of meditation? There was a 3-day retreat about an hour and a half outside Chiang Mai. As an added bonus, they throw in a couple of monks! Kewl. I’d never met a monk before. May as well add a Buddhist notch on my religious belt strap!

Going into this experience, I knew I’d have to leave my valuables at home: no makeup, no wine, no comfort. I’m very low-maintenance thanks to three years of RV living. I’d spent three weeks in Africa in bare-bones accommodations. Hell, I’d just gotten rid of everything I own. I’m confident there isn’t much I can’t handle.

What an awesome experience it was. I’ve learned to approach every situation with no expectations. Even if I had, I wouldn’t have been disappointed—that’s for sure. The Monks surprised me the most. They are so… how do I say it.. Human. Their honesty, candor, humility, and life stories rounded out this retreat, making it a truly unique experience.

Three days does not a Buddhist make, but I did learn about the 5 precepts:

1. No Killing

2. No Stealing

3. No Misusing Sex

4. No Lying

5. No Intoxicants

Unfortunately, three out of five is not a passing score.

After three nights of mosquitoes, ants, cockroaches, mites, spiders biting me, crawling into my orifices, awake all night scratching to relieve the unbearable itching… I snapped.

My violent nature took over. No amount of meditation could ever calm the rage. My murderous rampage resulted in the death of 12 ants, 5 mosquitoes, and one spider. What’s worse is I’m glad I did it… There is not a body part left unscathed. My hands are exhausted by the non-stop scratching, blood caked in my fingernails, clusters of red welts everywhere. My propensity for violence makes it apparent I don’t have the fortitude for Buddhism.

No matter,  I left PaPae with a renewed commitment to meditation, a body full of bug bites, a bunch of new friends, and great appreciation and deep respect for monks.