Last night my man Chat mapped out a 7-hour trek incorporating the must-see city streets of Chiang Mai and nearby hiking trails. Carb-induced neurosis on my part, no doubt—yet traversing mountainous terrain is non-negotiable. I love to climb mountains.

Waking up to storm clouds has me second-guessing… Chat, don’t BS me. For the past week, the Weather Channel has predicted torrential rains. Weather people lie as much here as in the U.S. Chat agrees but explains that any rain showers will produce slippery rock situations. Advises me to wear my cute pink rain jacket and to inform a friend of my travel route and return time.

Ya, about that. I’m a free bird, a one-man band, a lone Wolf… A Tribe-less entity. How many times do I have to repeat myself? It’s a rhetorical question. We are far from the perfect couple; however, the key to communicating with Chat is understanding his limitations, verbalizing my needs succinctly, and not pushing his buttons.

We stopped. Well—he stopped talking to me for a day after I unloaded my arsenal of F-bombs at him early into our relationship. “You can share your location deets with me,” Chat offers… Too soon, I think to myself. Too soon.

Accepting my directional limitations, I forgo the hike. Spending hours slipping on wet rocks, following my internal de-magnetized compass, mosquitoes biting my mosquito bites, screaming where the FUCK am I into the surrounding dense forest will have to wait till tomorrow. I decide to get my nails done.

Thanks to the world wide web, finding a country, environment, or human being that hasn’t been influenced by American culture is virtually impossible. English is spoken practically everywhere. At a small Hua Hin restaurant, my young server spoke impeccable English. She tells me she learned from social media.

BI (Before Internet), a large majority of the world believed that America was filled with Cowboys and/or Indians. We lived on the prairie, called our parents Ma and Pa, and wore itchy gingham dresses. Rich bitch Nellie making fun of our homemade attire. John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, and Charles Bronson—protectors of these new colonies. Roaming the dusty plains, drinking bottles and bottles of whisky, killing bad guys with one eye closed, sleeping with one eye open… single-handedly protecting the new land of America. True story. Lesser known fact: due in big part to their “contributions,” Miss Kitty became the first woman (or man, for that matter) to deposit 1,000,000.00 into The First Bank of the United States of America.

Internet access has educated, informed, and connected our worlds in some manner or degree. Kentucky Fried Chicken, Subway, McDonald’s, 7-11—America’s contribution to global expansion. Thank heaven for 7-11. For real. No sarcasm, I swear. Open 24 hours, on one every street corner… IN THE WORLD. Providing necessary supplies, chips, Diet Coke, along with other assorted sundries. I really like that word—sundries.

Here in Thailand, they actually have BOOZE… not just wine, beer, and fruity malt beverages. I’m talking Jameson Irish Whisky, Bombay Gin, Johnny Walker Black, Grey Goose Vodka… One bizarre caveat, however: no booze sales between 14:00–17:00. That would be 2 p.m.–5 p.m. in American. Even in the air. I asked Google about this. Chat’s snide comments about my wine consumption are starting to annoy. Google said it’s to prevent day drinking… well DUH. For a bunch of alcoholics and pot smokers this place seems pretty tame.

Around the corner from my incredible Airbnb located in the fashionable Nimman area of Chiang Mai, I pop into a modern nail salon. Just like the nail salons at home, I’m asked to pick a color from the plastic array of samples. Just like at home, the nail ladies all talk quietly in their language, occasionally laughing together, and just like at home I’m convinced they are laughing at me.

30 minutes later I’m forking out 500 Baht with an extra 50 Baht tip. Tipping in Thailand, while not the norm, is starting to become popular due in large part to the Americans. I confer with Chat. While not expected, it is appreciated. I didn’t have a 20 spot on me, so I gave her my 50. I admire my 17 USD dollar mani-pedi and remind myself this exact service costs me 83 percent more in the U.S. of A.

I can see myself living here, I think to myself while dining at a new hotspot in a nearby area. My pork Laab is too spicy, but the price is right. Chiang Mai is checking off a whole lot of boxes. Bangkok is a Hell NO, Koh Samui a fun getaway, Hua Hin a bit subdued..  It’s too early in the game to call a winner. However, Chiang Mai just took first spot on the leaderboard.