When I challenged myself to live like I’m dying I forgot how exhausting it can be. There’s no daily routine to follow, no job I have to go to, no doctor’s note excusing me from life itself. Life is open 24/7, 365 days a year, from now to eternity—never a day off.

I’m committed to experiencing as much life as I can until I take my last breath… Keeping up just may just kill me. Everywhere I go, there are foods I haven’t tasted, streets I’ve never stepped on, lessons still to learn. And I’ve managed to cram a ton of life into my 30-something plus-plus years on this planet.

Life can be funny.. until the joke’s on me. The more I live, the more life there is. I’m beginning to think I’ve set myself up for failure. For every step I take, Life adds three. Same thing with learning—it doesn’t matter the subject. The moment you think you know all there is to know, you’re stupid again.

Could explain why I’m drawn to humans aged 2 through 25..  Hanging out with possibility, wonder, innocence, and emerging thought processes keeps me up to speed in Life 2.0. Feeding off the energy, excitement, and knowledge of the future keeps me in synch with life. Evolve or dissolve, baby—that’s what I always say.

PaPae meditation retreat draws people from all parts of the world. So wild that I’m now considered ‘parts of the world’.. I was one of 4 from the ‘States’ attending our 3-day group of about 40. France, England, Japan, Israel, Belgium, Germany, China, and Denmark were all represented. Throw in a few Aussies—a regular United Nations, we were.

Most of the retreat was spent in silence. Chatting up your neighbor wasn’t exactly appropriate. Still skittish about human interaction, this was A-OK with me. The talk ban was only in effect on the first day and during meals. Shucks. My gravitational pull towards connection eventually takes over, leaving me no choice but to engage in shit shat. I relaxed a bit being with other like minded souls. Until it hits me.. like–minded people–some sharing the same DNA– are the very ones with the power to rip me apart. For preservation sake, I withdraw. 

On my last night of the retreat, I scan the spread-out semi-circle of white plastic chairs for a seat. As I approach the roaring bonfire, Ms. New Mexico calls me over to join the American delegation: Little Miss Washington D.C, Miss/Ms California and me—moths to a flame.

Miss/Ms California is living the van life – a language I know well. It comforts me more than I realized in that moment. Ms. New Mexico is gathering intel, considering a move to Thailand, and Little Miss Washington is heading to UC San Diego and came with her father. We shared mini bios –how we got here, and other shit-shat. It wasn’t unpleasant, though I felt the urge to run a few times. Nothing to do with them. My soul is banged up. The hurt goes to the core of my being. My heart: battered and bruised.

The next day, waiting for the bus, Miss England is chatting with Miss Belgium, Miss France, Miss Germany, and an unknown foreign sovereign—swapping the best and must sees of  Cambodia. I perk up, join in and take notes. Each of them confirmed or added to the list –not just Cambodia, but Vietnam, Laos, Indonesia… every place I intend to see. None of these women/girls were over 22, I imagine. The older I get, the younger everyone else seems. What blew me away was how much of the world they’d already seen–with just a backpack, and by themselves.

Listening, learning, picking up travel hacks, getting the name of a hairdresser in Chiang Mai.. being around that energetic passion for doing everything charges my battery pack. Bordering the quicksand of adulthood, young enough to get sucked in, but savvy enough to skirt the danger. They’ve been around the world, but not yet jaded or scarred by it. They see me as one of them, with no judgment clouding their vision. The sun, the stars, and the sky guide them. They share freely, laugh openly, and call for me to join in the games.

They are the fuel that keeps my bonfire burning, the love that mends my heart, and the energy I need to keep up with this relentless, beautiful life.