Living Like I’m Dying Blog: Reset Button – Lary Kennedy
When electronics go awry, sometimes the best plan of attack is to hit the reset button.
So when my life went awry, that’s exactly what I did.
I hit the reset button.
I’ve given myself permission to start all over again — to recognize the need for change, acknowledge the past, and start a new plan for the future.
Living like I’m dying makes it imperative I recognize my mistakes from my past lives, utilize my current resources strategically, maintain my anti-aging regime, and above all, trust the universe to take me home.
My journey is half sightseeing, half evaluating my surroundings with the mindset of: could I plant myself here for the next three or so years… or until death… whichever comes first? Chances are, years will prevail — but who of us really knows, right?
I sometimes think about dying, especially when I’m in a plane or a Grab. Mainly because if I think about it, I know it won’t happen. Things of such disruption never happen when you expect them to.
At least I don’t think so.
Kuala Lumpur has the best of the best that a big city can offer — a modern cityscape filled with high-tech high-rises, exceptional infrastructure (infrastructure? who knew I’d care), advanced medical facilities, affordable bougie lifestyle, drinkable wine options, and an amazing hairstylist a few blocks away.
KL, as the locals call it, would most definitely be a swell place to live.
My current apartment is stunning. Marble flooring, modern interior, glass walls with views of the bright lights. Swimming pool, gym, 24-hour doormen — yep, equipped with all the bells and whistles. Absolutely fabulous. Everything a girl could hope for.
Except for one major caveat: there are no walkable facilities to purchase sundries. Not even a bottle of water.
Currently, my only means of obtaining foodstuffs is a 17-minute trek to the supermarket, then hauling everything back in the 100-degree stifling heat. I could take a Grab, but by the time I order, wait, and return, it’s just as easy to have Grab deliver it.
Forget about outdoor activities. Forget about anything outdoors. Forget about Kuala Lumpur.
What’s the point of living in luxury if you can’t leave your home?
Here’s the nuts and bolts of my situation.
Once upon a time, I was told I’d be receiving a rather large financial windfall at a certain point in my future. Having that tucked away in the lower vortex of my brain messed with my head. Try as I did to pretend this savings account didn’t exist, my humanity took over.
For over twenty years, I lived with the knowledge that someday I’d be able to live comfortably for the rest of my life. Until then, I worked my ass off, made a decent amount of money, spent a lot of it, and saved not nearly enough.
Why would I? My future was taken care of.
Live life to the fullest has always been my motto.
Then, blindsided about two years ago — being told there was no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Well, that’s a fine how-do-you-do.
Working hard has never been a deterrent. I reveled in being twice as old as those around me, working twice as hard and three times as strong. But when my bosses weren’t even born when I started working, I realized I’d squeezed out as much blood as humanly possible.
I tapped out.
Thank God I managed to invest enough that I’m not destitute. However, with no income source and Social Security not an option, what the hell am I going to do?
My hologram vision of spending my twilight years playing golf, pickleball, mahjong, and cards with friends — wine tastings at the local hang, traveling to unseen destinations, watching my niece grow up, spending rainy days curled up reading every book I’ve never read, learning how to make sourdough bread (well, maybe scratch that one — too many carbs) — well, you get the gist.
Yeah, well… a whole shit-ton of smoke has clouded that hologram.
No way in hell that from now till death I’m working three jobs day and night to keep a roof over my head.
All was not lost.
I still had options: stay in my dead-end job until I literally fall down dead, win the lottery, rob a bank, marry a dying gazillionaire, or sell a few kidneys.
Berating myself with the could-haves, would-haves, and should-haves is a big waste of time. So I spent a couple of wasted days getting wasted on every level imaginable.
A few more days feeling sorry for myself, then a couple more assuring myself it was all a dream. Finally, I slapped the shit out of myself and screamed, SNAP OUT OF IT.
When life throws you grapes… make wine.
My life muse Maggie told me all roads lead to Thailand.
For the next eighteen months, I researched expat living overseas. Hyper-focused on Thailand, I put my plan in motion. Initially, I looked at my impending move with a sense of resignation — knowing there was zero chance of living a life worth living in the United States, I accepted my fate.
Until I drank the wine I’d spent the past months fermenting.
This is some good-tasting Chardonnay.
Wow. This is pretty awesome.
OMG — how did I not see this?! What a blessing I’ve just been given.
Had this not happened, I would have missed out on the most amazing experience I’ve had to date. I’d say “of my life,” but I know there will be more.
Nothing could have been this tailor-made for me if I’d designed it myself. It had to evolve this way.
I could have rebelled. I should have created turmoil.
And I would have fucked up this amazing experience — and all that lies before me.
I’m learning to breathe through my perceived obstacles, to allow tension to flow through me, and to understand that thoughts are just thoughts.
And when it all gets too overwhelming…
I hit the reset button.
